I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
