Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
