Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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