Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
