I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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