How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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