FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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