Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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