ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
