I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my being single is dangerous.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
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This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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