What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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