in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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