my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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