My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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