i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
