i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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