All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
