Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
