so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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