How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
