I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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