No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
