...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
