I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
