I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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