also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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