pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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