True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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