I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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