Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
