just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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