He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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