Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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