see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
