Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm passing your future prison.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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