I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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