Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
