Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
