Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
