then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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