I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
