just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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