I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
