everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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