3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I smell stomach acid.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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