Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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