he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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