Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
