Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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