I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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