Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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