Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I need mimosas to revive my soul
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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