I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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