Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
