im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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