I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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