the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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