so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
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I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life